The Dangers of People Pleasing: How to Break Free from the Cycle

Relying on others' opinions to affirm self-worth often stems from feelings of shame, such as believing one is not “good enough” or “unlovable.” Those who experience shame may frequently develop a fear of being disliked or rejected for “who I am.” To address this, people-pleasing tendencies can emerge. A “People Pleaser” feels a strong compulsion to satisfy others, often at their own expense. They frequently consider their own wants and needs less important and may change their personality around others to continually “please” and gain approval and validation. Over investment in others' emotions often leads to saying "yes" to things they should refuse.

People pleasing can be a form of perfectionism, a perceived need to perfectly manage what others think.

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief systems that fuels this primary thought: If I l do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.

The belief that the worth of our actions is ultimately determined by others' approval can begin early in life and is deeply ingrained. However, perfection is unattainable; as humans, we are flawed beings living in an imperfect world, making the pursuit of perfection a relentless and unachievable goal. It's impossible to please everyone, do everything perfectly, or be the perfect parent, partner, friend, or citizen. Moreover, in reality, we don't have as much control over others or their emotions as we might like. Other people's negative emotions are often ultimately their own issue.

People pleasing is a way of spending your life in search of a feeling of security that nobody and nothing can ever provide.

When dedicating all your time to helping others or presenting a flawless image to gain approval, you might encounter these consequences:

Lack of authenticity - Striving for recognition to feel valued means aligning with someone else's values. This lack of authenticity can become so pervasive that you lose sight of your identity, disconnecting from your own values, beliefs, interests, and goals, potentially leading to an identity crisis, self-esteem issues, and constant comparisons with others.

Anger, resentment, and frustration - People pleasers often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. Perfectionists aiming for flawlessness may also have difficulty setting boundaries for themselves, resulting in feelings of resentment, anxiety, lack of confidence, or even being taken advantage of due to their eagerness to please.

Burnout & exhaustion -Concentrating all your energy on others can leave little for self-care and well-being, often resulting in feelings of overwhelm, stress, and burnout. Perfectionists invest so much effort in maintaining a flawless image that they often end up feeling exhausted, which can also commonly lead to social anxiety.

Depleted willpower - Using all your energy and mental resources to ensure others' happiness or maintain a perfect facade reduces your ability to pursue personal goals. It takes significant willpower to break patterns and endure the discomfort of not pleasing others, and depleted willpower may prevent taking risks essential for growth, success, and fulfillment.

Isolation - Concealing your true feelings makes it difficult for others to know the real you. When hiding perceived flaws, you wear a performative mask, leading to disconnection and isolation. Loneliness doesn't necessarily stem from being alone; it can arise from feeling disconnected and excluded even when surrounded by others.

Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. The prison of others approval is one built by you, maintained by you, guarded by you. Disregard what others think, and the prison door will swing open. If you are stuck in the prison of shame and judgement, take heart, you hold the key to your own authenticity and ultimate freedom...........

What you can do.....

Identify when you're seeking approval from others for validation – Be aware of and note any tendencies toward people-pleasing or perfectionism. Focus on setting boundaries and listening to your true self. Instead of wearing a perfectionist mask, allow yourself to be "good enough"..

Rationalize your thoughts - Often, feelings of inferiority stem from subjective interpretations rather than objective facts. We are not defined by our experiences, but the meaning we assign to them shapes us. Determine what is rational and irrational, and work on changing your perspective on the irrational.

Self-Acceptance – It is crucial to explore your authentic best self and understand your true values (see my blog on Self Esteem & Values). What needs improvement? What are your natural strengths? Focus on what you can change rather than what you cannot, as this leads to self-acceptance. If you can recognize your own worth, you can accept yourself as you are. People-pleasing tendencies arise for various reasons, but at their core, they fundamentally deny the essence of being a limited human being.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference” Kurt Vonnegut

Evaluate Your Comparisons - When comparing yourself to others, remember that each of us is unique, and the only person you should compete with is yourself. A healthy sense of inferiority doesn't stem from comparing yourself to others but from comparing yourself to your ideal authentic self. The real value lies in progressing beyond who you are now to become your best version.

Living Authentically in the Present -  Ironically, what we refer to as “people-pleasing” is not an effective way to please others and can actually cause resentment because it involves being insincere. Additionally, it deprives you of the present moment. As long as you feel you're not quite “there” yet because something needs fixing first, you avoid taking full responsibility for your current life and miss out on enjoying the present.

Contributing to Others - Often, we assume that we are being judged or scrutinized by others, but in reality, no one is paying attention as others are also focused on themselves! A lifestyle constantly worried about how others perceive you is often overly concerned with the “I” and can become self-absorbed. By shifting focus from yourself to caring for others, you redirect attention away from yourself. Instead of thinking “what will this person give me?” change your perspective to “what can I give this person unconditionally?”

Trust in Others – If you concentrate solely on the pain from past wounds and fear trusting others, you will struggle to form deep relationships in the long run. Trying to escape pain and sadness with performative masks leads to stagnation and prevents the formation of deep connections. By having the courage to trust yourself, you can also trust others, which is where true connection and fulfillment lie.