Caring about other people's’ opinions to validate self-worth is often an outcome of shameful feelings such as not being “good enough” or “unlovable”. Those that experience shame can often develop a fear of being disliked by other people, of being rejected for “who I am”, To combat this people pleasing tendencies can arise. A “People Pleaser” feels a strong urge to please others, often at their own expense. They often feel their wants and needs are not as important and can alter their personality around others to constantly “please” to gain approval and validation. Over investment in other people’s emotions often means saying "yes" to things they should decline. Essentially people pleasing, is a form of perfectionism, a felt need to perfectly curate what’s going on inside other people’s heads.
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief systems that fuels this primary thought: If I l do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.
The notion that other people’s approval is what ultimately determines the value of our actions can start early in life and runs deep. However, perfection is impossible, as humans we are all flawed beings who live in an imperfect world, so striving for perfectionism is a relentless and unattainable goal. It is impossible please everyone, accomplish everything perfectly or be the perfect parent, partner, friend or citizen. Futhermore, in reality we don’t have nearly as much control over other people or their emotions as we might wish. Other people’s negative emotions are often ultimately a problem that belongs to them.
People pleasing is a way of spending your life in search of a feeling of security that nobody and nothing can ever provide.
The Consequences
If one is devoting all their time to helping others, or showing others the perfectionist version of themselves to win approval, one might experience some of the following consequences:
Lack of authenticity - Wanting to be recognised by others to feel one has value means that you are choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s value system. A lack of authenticity can be played out so much one can lose sight of who they are, One can lose touch with their own values, beliefs, interests and goals and this can lead to identity crisis, self-esteem issues and constant comparisons against others.
Anger, resentment and frustration - Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships with others, is especially a problem with people pleasers. In the quest for perfection, perfectionists often have issues setting boundaries for themselves. This can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, lack of confidence or even abuse, as others may take advantage of their willingness to please or perfect.
Burnout & exhaustion - If energy is put into helping everyone else, one won’t have anything left in the tank for their own self-care or well-being. Often, this will end with one feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and burnt out. Those with perfectionist tendencies, expend so much energy on projecting perfection, they often complain of being exhausted. Furthermore, socialising can often deplete a people pleaser of all their energy and often gives rise to social anxiety.
Depleted willpower - Devoting all ones energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy or maintaining a perfect veneer, means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle one's own goals and boundaires. It takes enormous willpower to break patterns and sit with the discomfort of not pleasing others and depleted willpower means that one may not take risks that may be necessary for growth, success, and a fulfilment.
Isolation - Hiding ones true feelings makes it difficult for other people to get to know the real you. When one is busy hiding what they feel is shameful about them, one puts on a performative mask. This mask can lead to feelings of disconnection and isolatation. Being alone isn’t necessarily what makes one feel lonely. Loneliness can be having other people around yet feeling a deep sense of disconnection and exclusion..
Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. The prison of others approval is one built by you, maintained by you, guarded by you. Disregard what others think, and the prison door will swing open. If you are stuck in the prison of shame and judgement, take heart, you hold the key to your own authenticity and ultimate freedom...........
What you can do.....
Recognise when you are seeking approval from others for validation – Watch out and note all the people pleasing or perfectionist tendencies one may have. Concerntrate on boundaries and listen to your authentic self. instead of the perfectionist performative mask, give boundaries to oneself to be “good enough”.
Rationalise your thoughts - Often the feelings of inferiority we are suffering from are subjective interpretation rather than objective facts. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining. Work out what is rational and irrational and work on changing perspective for the irrational.
Self-Acceptance – It is important to explore one’s authentic best self, understanding one’s true values (see my blog on Values). What needs to be worked on? What are ones natural strengths? Focus on what one can change rather than on what one cannot – this leads to self-acceptance. If one can feel one has worth, then one can accept oneself just as one is. People-pleasing tendencies develop for different specific reasons, but right at the core of all of them lies a fundamental denial of what it means to be a limited human being.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference” Kurt Vonnegut
Check your comparisons - When comparing to others, realise that we are all unique individuals and the only person to compete with is oneself. A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others, but from one’s comparison with one’s ideal authentic self. It is progressing past who one is now, to the one’s best version, that holds real value
Living Authentically in the Moment - What we call “people-pleasing” ironically isn’t an especially effective way of pleasing other people, infact it can make others resentful because one is being disingenuous. Furthermore, one is robbing oneself of the present moment. As long as one feels that they are not quite “there” yet – because there’s something that needs fixing first – one avoids taking full responsibility for how one is living now, one is missing out on enjoying the here and now.
Giving to others - Often one assumes that one is being scrutinised by others, subject to harsh judgements or possible attack, but in reality, no one is noticing, others are also focused on themselves! A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is often overly concerned with the “I” and can be quite self-absorbed. Switching attachment from self to caring for others, takes the focus off self. Instead of thinking “what will this person give me?” shift the focus to “what can I give this person unconditionally?”
Trust in others – If one focuses only on the pain from wounds sustained in the past, if one is afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run one will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone. It is precisely when one tries to escape the pain and sadness with performative masks, one gets stuck and ceases to build deep relationships. If one has courage to have confidence in themselves, they can place confidence in other people and there lies the fulfilment of true connection.
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