Shame is a normal part of being human, it is also one of the most painful emotions we experience. When feeling shame, you are most likely reflecting on yourself in a judgemental and critical way. Although shame can often cause difficulties, sometimes shame can serve a purpose. Shame can motivate us to conform to what might be most socially acceptable. Specifically, shame can keep us from behaving in ways that may result in us being rejected by others. In addition, shame can sometimes alert us when we are doing something that does not align with our values. However, quite often shame shows up in the counselling room and it is complexed and damaging. It can be a result of internalizing past experiences of being devalued, objectified and humiliated. For example, those that have had a critical parent, suffered trauma or neglect, been bullied, abused (sexually, physically or verbally) or suffered social stigma can have strong feelings of shame.
Some attributes of shame-based behaviour:
Feeling that there is something wrong with you
Feeling "small", inferior, helpless, powerless or exposed
Feeling worthless
Worrying what others think about you
Being afraid to look stupid
Perfectionism in response to fearing failure
People pleasing for validation
Constant negative self-talk
Anger in response to shame triggers
Feeling rejected, regretful, inadequate, or like you have little impact
Distrust in others
Control over others
Self sabatoage
Shame thoughts:
There’s something wrong with me
I am stupid
No one would ever love me
I have nothing interesting to say, I’m boring and don’t belong here
I am not worthy
You may also have thoughts that you are seen negatively by other people:
People look down on me
People can see my defects
Everyone’s staring at me and judging me
If I can just withdraw from social situations, I won't be seen
Or thoughts that compare you to others or to your own ideals::
Other people are more important than me
I don’t measure up
I have to be the funniest/smartest person in the room or no one will notice me
Or thoughts about being unworthy or undeserving:
I don’t deserve kindness
I’m worthless
I am not attractive
Shame Based Identifications:
Reacting to the underlying distress of shame, can also develop pride-based counter-identifications. A large part of what we take to be our identity consists of these shame-based and pride-based counter identifications. The more energy individuals invest in pride-based counter-identifications, the more strongly the underlying shame-based identifications are reinforced. As we challenge the pride-based counter-identifications, we can also see the shame is just as unreal as the prideful self-image you have tried to maintain.
Shame-Based identifications | Pride Based Counter Identifications |
Shame at existing | Disdain for humanity |
Feeling like a burden | Pride in not needing others |
Feeling of not belonging | Pride in being a loner |
Shame at not being able to feel | Pride in being rational / disdain for emotions |
Undeserving | Demanding neediness & entitlement |
Feeling unlovable | Spiritual or intellectual superiority |
Shame can lead to many symtoms, to name a few:
Depression
Anxiety/Social Anxiety
Eating Disorders
Self harm
Substance Abuse
Low self esteem
Codependency
Isolating and withdrawing from others
Relationship issues
Imposter Syndrome
How to cope with shame
Understanding the ways in which we get trapped in shame and how to find our way toward greater self-compassion, self-expression, or acceptance is key to dealing with shame. Taking the position of being curious about shame when it shows up, asking in which ways it may be helpful and in which ways it maybe getting in the way of having the life we want, can allow us to let go of our struggle with shame and respond more effectively when it shows up. The problem with shame isn’t so much that we experience it, but that we can get stuck in it or respond to it in rigid or unhelpful ways:
Recognise shame as it arises in your life - Many people experience a pattern of shame that is enduring and pervasive. Keeping a log of shame-related thoughts can give insight into how you relate and talk to yourself.
Understand the origins of your shame - Many kinds of experiences, from mistreatment in childhood, bullying, abuse, trauma, neglect to social stigma, can contribute to chronic shame. It can be helpful to acknowledge circumstances that were outside of your control and will allow you more empathy towards self.
Shame needs compassion - Learning to recognise shame when it arises and to meet shame with self-compassion is key to altering this pattern. Compassion Focused Therapy is extremly useful when helping with shame. For example the table below is an exercise that can help you to identify the various shameful reactions you might have in a difficult situation, whilst subsequently crafting a validating, self-compassionate response for each:
Shame-based self-attacking | Compassionate self-correction |
Focuses on desire to condemn and punish
| Focuses on desire to accept |
Punishes past and present errors | Emphasizes growth and learning and forward thinking |
Experiences anger, frustration, contempt, and disappointment | Is given encouragement, support, and kindness |
Concentrates on deficit and fear of exposure | Builds on positives |
Involves fear of failure | Emphasizes learning and opportunity |
Increases chances of avoidance or withdrawal | Increases the chances of engaging and experiencing new things, learning new skills |
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Meditation & Mindfulness - Can be a useful resorce for letting go of judgement and that inner crtic. Tara Brach meditation RAIN is a wonderful resource for a practice of radical compasssion.
Share in the context of safe relationships – Lastly, shame feeds on silence, and one of the most effective strategies to take power back from shame is to talk about your experience of it with people you trust or of course, a professional counsellor.
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