Shame is a natural aspect of being human and is among the most painful emotions we encounter. When experiencing shame, you are likely evaluating yourself in a critical and judgmental manner. Although shame can often lead to challenges, it can sometimes serve a purpose. It can drive us to align with what is socially acceptable. Specifically, shame can prevent us from acting in ways that might lead to rejection by others. Additionally, shame can occasionally alert us when our actions do not align with our values. However, shame frequently appears in the counseling room as a complex and damaging emotion. It can stem from internalizing past experiences of being devalued, objectified, and humiliated. For instance, those who have had a critical parent, experienced trauma or neglect, been bullied, abused (sexually, physically, or verbally), or faced social stigma may have strong feelings of shame.
Some attributes of shame-based behaviour:
Feeling that there is something wrong with you
Feeling "small", inferior, helpless, powerless or exposed
Feeling worthless
Worrying what others think about you
Being afraid to look stupid
Perfectionism in response to fearing failure
People pleasing for validation
Constant negative self-talk
Anger in response to shame triggers
Feeling rejected, regretful, inadequate, or like you have little impact
Distrust in others
Control over others
Self sabatoage
Shame thoughts:
There’s something wrong with me
I am stupid
No one would ever love me
I have nothing interesting to say, I’m boring and don’t belong here
I am not worthy
You may also have thoughts that you are seen negatively by other people:
People look down on me
People can see my defects
Everyone’s staring at me and judging me
If I can just withdraw from social situations, I won't be seen
Or thoughts that compare you to others or to your own ideals::
Other people are more important than me
I don’t measure up
I have to be the funniest/smartest person in the room or no one will notice me
Or thoughts about being unworthy or undeserving:
I don’t deserve kindness
I’m worthless
I am not attractive
Shame Based Identifications:
Responding to the deep discomfort of shame can lead to the formation of pride-based counter-identifications. Much of what we consider our identity is made up of these shame-based and pride-based counter-identifications. The more effort people put into pride-based counter-identifications, the more the underlying shame-based identifications are strengthened. By questioning the pride-based counter-identifications, we can recognize that the shame is just as illusory as the prideful self-image you have attempted to uphold.
Shame-Based identifications | Pride Based Counter Identifications |
Shame at existing | Disdain for humanity |
Feeling like a burden | Pride in not needing others |
Feeling of not belonging | Pride in being a loner |
Shame at not being able to feel | Pride in being rational / disdain for emotions |
Undeserving | Demanding neediness & entitlement |
Feeling unlovable | Spiritual or intellectual superiority |
Shame can lead to many symtoms, to name a few:
Depression
Anxiety/Social Anxiety
Eating Disorders
Self harm
Substance Abuse
Low self esteem
Codependency
Isolating and withdrawing from others
Relationship issues
Imposter Syndrome
How to cope with shame
Recognizing how we become ensnared by shame and discovering paths toward increased self-compassion, self-expression, or acceptance is essential for managing shame. Adopting a curious stance when shame arises, questioning how it might be beneficial and how it might hinder achieving the life we desire, can help us release our struggle with shame and react more effectively when it appears. The issue with shame isn't necessarily that we feel it, but rather that we can become trapped in it or react to it in inflexible or unhelpful ways:
Recognize shame as it emerges in your life - Many individuals experience a persistent and widespread pattern of shame. Keeping a record of shame-related thoughts can provide insight into your self-relationship and self-talk.
Understand the roots of your shame - Various experiences, such as childhood mistreatment, bullying, abuse, trauma, neglect, and social stigma, can lead to chronic shame. Acknowledging circumstances beyond your control can foster greater empathy towards yourself.
Shame requires compassion - Learning to recognize shame when it arises and addressing it with self-compassion is crucial to changing this pattern. Compassion Focused Therapy is extremely helpful in dealing with shame. For instance, the table below is an exercise that can assist you in identifying the different shameful reactions you might have in a challenging situation, while also developing a validating, self-compassionate response for each:
Shame-based self-attacking | Compassionate self-correction |
Focuses on desire to condemn and punish
| Focuses on desire to accept |
Punishes past and present errors | Emphasizes growth and learning and forward thinking |
Experiences anger, frustration, contempt, and disappointment | Is given encouragement, support, and kindness |
Concentrates on deficit and fear of exposure | Builds on positives |
Involves fear of failure | Emphasizes learning and opportunity |
Increases chances of avoidance or withdrawal | Increases the chances of engaging and experiencing new things, learning new skills |
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Meditation & Mindfulness - Can be a valuable tool for releasing judgment and silencing the inner critic. Tara Brach's RAIN meditation is an excellent resource for practicing radical compassion.
Share in the context of safe relationships – Finally, shame thrives in silence, and one of the best ways to reclaim power from shame is to discuss your experience with trusted individuals or a professional counselor.
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