Clients who approach me with low self-esteem frequently feel detached from their authentic selves. After exploring the reasons behind their low self-esteem, I ask, "Do you know who you are?" Self-esteem is intimately linked to self-worth, and the resulting behaviors often include people-pleasing or conforming to perceived societal norms, directing the focus of evaluation externally. In this adaptive process, one can easily lose their sense of self. Life becomes dominated by "shoulds" and "musts" instead of "wants" and "needs." To assist a client in rediscovering their identity and building inner confidence, I find it helpful to begin by exploring their values.
We each follow different values in our lives. Although there are numerous values one might embrace, some examples are honesty, generosity, kindness, happiness, loyalty, patience, integrity, and accountability. These values shape our thoughts and give us a sense of purpose, identity, and belonging. Values affect how we interact with others and view ourselves, both positively and negatively. When we have a clear understanding of our intrinsic values, we can cultivate a strong sense of self—of who we are—and what is important to us. We can set boundaries regarding what we deem acceptable or unacceptable. We can make choices that align with our true selves. This self-awareness of our priorities can be a powerful motivator, aiding us in becoming self-directed and self-reliant—all essential components in building self-esteem. Maintaining healthy self-esteem is crucial, as it enhances relationships, work, health, decision-making, and overall mental and emotional well-being.
Recognizing your personal values and aligning your actions with them is essential. We often lose ourselves in chasing unattainable perfection or trying to please others by adopting values we believe they want. In our society, values are frequently based on "doing," which often relies on validation and others' opinions. "Doing" is commonly seen as the path to success. But what about values focused on "being," being authentic to yourself? Understanding one's values is not just the client's task; as practitioners, we must also remember that the core principle of "congruence" is not about being perfect but about being present, authentic, and committed to our values in interactions with clients. This can serve as a strong anchor and guide in how we engage with clients.
Individuals with self-esteem issues often have difficulty recognizing their core values or, if they do, struggle to act on them. I compare this to a candle: A flickering flame represents uncertainty and may conflict with your intentions and values. Flickering outward suggests an effort to please others and act on values you think they expect. A steady, unwavering flame reflects self-assurance, confidence, and genuine core values. So, how do you identify your personal values? How do you implement them? Below are some exercises that can help you establish those core values within, empowering you to be true to yourself.
How to find your pesonal values
Recall the happiest moment in your life. Can you pinpoint a value associated with it?
Reflect on the times you felt most fulfilled and satisfied. How and why did these experiences add meaning to your life?
What achievements are you most proud of? What values do these accomplishments highlight?
Which three individuals do you admire? What values do they embody?
Which stories have inspired you? What values do they convey?
In your ideal life, what would be your next step? What values does this plan represent?
If you have a child or imagine having one, what values would you wish to instill in them?
What triggers your anger? What values does this conflict with?
When have you felt least satisfied, and what does this reveal about your values?
When have you experienced shame? What values were you neglecting that led to this feeling?
The VIA Institute on Character website offers an excellent survey on Character Strengths that might assist you in identifying your values: https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths
Exercise 1
Five values you hold in your heart/ideal values | How do you action/live these values? |
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Exercise 2
Five values you show the world/that conflict with wellbeing “true self” or authentic values | How do you action/live these values? |
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Exercise 3
What are the core values you offer or would like to offer and receive in a relationship?
- Spouse/Partner
- Children
- Family
- Friends
- Colleagues
- Strangers
Exercise 4
Draw a timeline of Influences/situations that have impacted upon you showing up as you. Think of past experiences that have led to the masking, whereby values have been what you think people want to see, rather than authentically being YOU.
Exercise 5
It is a paradox that to increase self-esteem we need to accept and be kind to ourselves. Self-compassion is key, it is also the very thing we reject that has led us to low self-esteem. A last exercise and a compassionate note I want to finish on, is to give five reasons why you are valuable.:
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
We are all valuable, we just need to remind ourselves sometimes
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