Clients that come to me with low self-esteem have often lost touch with their authentic self. After delving into how and why they have developed low self esteem, I ask clients, “Do they know who they are?”. Self esteem is wrapped up in self worth and the subsequent behaviours are people pleasing or adapting to what they think the world wants from them - the locus of evaluation becomes external. In this adaption process it is easy to loose yourself. Life is full of "shoulds" and "musts" instead of "wants" and "needs". To help a client rediscover who they are and to gain inner confidence, I find a good starting point is to look at their values.
We all have different values that we live by. There are many values we can have, but to name a few: honesty, generosity, kindness, happiness, loyalty, patience, integrity, accountability etc. They shape how we think and provide us with a sense of purpose, identity, belonging. Values negatively or positively influence how we interact with others and see ourselves. When we have a clear picture of our intrinsic values, we can develop a clear sense of self – of who we are – and what’s important to us. We can set boundaries as to what we deem acceptable or unacceptable. We can make decisions aligned with our authentic self. This self-awareness of what’s important to us can be a huge motivator, and can help us to be self-directed and self-reliant - all key attributes in developing self-esteem. Having a healthy self-esteem is important, it can contribute to better relationships, work, health, decision making and overall mental and emotional well-being.
It is important to identify your personal values and to align your actions with those values. We can often get lost in striving for unattainable perfection or people pleasing by acting out values you think people want to see. In our society values are frequently based on “doing” which is all too often reliant on validation and what other people think. “Doing” is often seen as the mantra of success. How about values that are about “being”, being who you are? Knowing one´s values is not just work for the client, as practitioners we should also bear in mind, that the core condition of “congruence”, lies not in being flawless, but in being present, real, and committed to your values in your interactions with clients. It can work as an incredible anchor and guide in the way that you operate with your clients.
Those struggling with self-esteem, often struggle to pinpoint their core values, or if they do, they are not always able to action them. I use the analogy of a candle; A flickering flame is a sign of hesitation and may go against your intentions and values. By flickering outwards, you are aiming, pleasing others, and actioning values you think they want to see. When the flame is solid and unwavering, it is self-assured, confident, and represents intrinsic core values. So how do you establish your personal values? How, do you action them? Below are some exercises that can help to establish those core values within, those values that give you the confidence to be YOU.
How to find your pesonal values
Think of the time in your life you were most happy. Can you identify a value in it?
Identify the times when you were the most fulfilled and satisfied. How and why did the experience give your life meaning?
What are you most proud of? What values do these points of pride show?
What three characters do you admire. What values do they have?
What stories have inspired you? What values do they hold?
In your ideal life what would you do next? What values does this plan reflect?
If you have a child or if you imaging having a child, what values would you want to instil in them?
What makes you angry? What values does that go against?
When have you been the least satisfied, what does that say about the values you hold?
When have you felt shameful? What values were you not upholding to bring about the shame?
On the VIA Institute on Character website there is a great survey you can do on Character Strengthswhich may help you to identify your values: https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths
Exercise 1
Five values you hold in your heart/ideal values | How do you action/live these values? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Exercise 2
Five values you show the world/that conflict with wellbeing “true self” or authentic values | How do you action/live these values? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Exercise 3
What are the core values you offer or would like to offer and receive in a relationship?
- Spouse/Partner
- Children
- Family
- Friends
- Colleagues
- Strangers
Exercise 4
Draw a timeline of Influences/situations that have impacted upon you showing up as you. Think of past experiences that have led to the masking, whereby values have been what you think people want to see, rather than authentically being YOU.
Exercise 5
It is a paradox that to increase self-esteem we need to accept and be kind to ourselves. Self-compassion is key, it is also the very thing we reject that has led us to low self-esteem. A last exercise and a compassionate note I want to finish on, is to give five reasons why you are valuable.:
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
I am valuable because……
We are all valuable, we just need to remind ourselves sometimes
Comments