Boarding school is a familiar concept to me. My parents attended boarding school at age 7, some of my siblings started boarding at 11, and I have advised numerous clients who went to boarding school. I understand this world both personally and professionally.
The practice of sending young children to be cared for by strangers is not new. Boarding schools existed in Victorian times, and many of the elites governing this country attended them. Yet, psychology has been slow to address "Boarding School Syndrome," a term introduced by psychotherapist Joy Schaverien a decade ago. Boarding School Syndrome describes a range of emotional issues linked to the separation experienced by children in boarding schools. Nowadays, there is more discussion about boarding schools, with contrasting views on class, unfair privilege, and opportunities, intertwined with concerns about children's emotional and mental well-being.
The foundation of modern child development psychology is that a secure attachment forms trust and security through a close primary caregiver. This trust and security enable one to explore the world from a stable and loving base. In contrast, boarding schools are essentially institutions that raise children collectively. Some argue that these schools could not have disrupted or altered a healthy attachment more effectively. When I lived in Spain, I noticed that boarding school was a puzzling idea for Spanish parents. “Why have kids if you then pay to send them away?” they would say confused. John Bowlby, the psychologist known for developing attachment theory in the 1960s, described public school as part of “the time-honoured barbarism required to produce English gentlemen.” Bowlby himself boarded at 13: clearly, he was against it!
It’s important to acknowledge that family life isn’t always perfect, and having money doesn’t guarantee a family meets a child's emotional needs or functions well, as you can see in Saltburn! I understand there are many stories of children who enjoy boarding school: sometimes home life is so lacking in love or structure that necessary attachments are better formed at school. Friendships in boarding school can become sibling-like, with bonds that tie you to a team. But for those who suffer, who long for daily parental emotional support, who feel isolated, lonely, unheard, or even bullied or abused – there is no escape. The scars from boarding school can be deep and significantly affect adulthood.
Long Term Effects
Self Esteem
Early separation and emotional suppression can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. These schools can be highly stressful, making it easy to compare oneself to others and feel perpetually "not good enough." The pursuit of "achievement" is often seen as the path to "success," which can foster intense competitiveness and perfectionism, fueled by shame and a persistent sense of not being "good enough."
Identity Crisis
Some may have suppressed themselves so much that they have disconnected with their authentic self. Others may have learnt to mask from who they really are and only show the world what they think the world wants to see – ambition, people pleasing, and again, perfectionism are common traits.
Relationship Difficulties
They struggle with intimacy due to fears of emotional vulnerability, abandonment, and feeling unlovable. It can become a habit not to let people get close, making it challenging to form deep emotional bonds. This difficulty can affect not only friends, a romantic partner, or a spouse but also children. Having trouble with secure attachment to your child can ultimately affect the child, thereby unintentionally passing the syndrome to the next generation.
Mental Health Issues
Various mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, addiction, and unresolved trauma, have been linked to boarding school syndrome.
How Counselling Can Help
Attachment Therapy
Attachment therapy promotes healing by emphasizing trust and the ability to form deep and meaningful connections. A strong relationship between the client and therapist serves as a crucial model for this. When the therapist employs core conditions to create a safe and non-judgmental environment, it helps the client feel heard, validated, and understood. The greater the relational depth, the more the client can explore emotional wounds related to their boarding school experience. Understanding these root causes is essential for initiating healing. The counsellor not only acts as a model for secure attachment but also aids the individual in reconnecting with authentic feelings and learning how to express them.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
CBT assists in understanding overwhelming issues by dividing them into smaller components. This helps clarify their connections and impact on you. The goal is to change inaccurate thoughts by identifying, challenging, and replacing cognitive distortions with more positive beliefs. This enables you to adopt more constructive ways of thinking and responding in daily situations.
Mindfulness
Mindful practice involves becoming aware of your immediate experiences through your senses or your mental state through thoughts and emotions. It essentially means being more conscious of each moment and fully engaged in your surroundings with acceptance and without judgment. This practice offers numerous benefits; for those experiencing Boarding School Syndrome, it enhances emotional regulation, thereby reducing stress and anxiety. Observing mindfully without judgment helps quiet the inner critic, and cognitive improvements can ease depression and foster stronger relationships. Overall, these benefits contribute to enhanced wellbeing.
“Between stimulus and response, there is space, in that space is our power to choose our response” Viktor Frankl
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT involves being completely open to experiencing your thoughts and emotions without attempting to alter them. By accepting and experiencing them as they are (merely thoughts, merely feelings), they lose much of their influence over your actions and decisions. Being less controlled by your mind and emotions allows you more freedom to choose your actions, aligning them with your values and what truly matters to you. For those struggling with their identity, ACT aids in exploring personal values, beliefs, and aspirations, supporting self-discovery and identity formation. Individuals can discover a renewed sense of self, purpose, and direction in their lives.
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT)
Through compassionate and guided exploration, individuals can gain insight into the root causes of their struggles, such as attachment, emotional suppression, or low self-esteem. These symptoms are not the individual's fault. They are survival mechanisms learned in school when emotions had to be suppressed or detached. CFT helps the client understand why they feel or behave in a certain way. Instead of asking “What is wrong with you?” we explore “What happened to you?”. By validating, normalizing, and showing compassion for the client’s emotional experiences, counseling can help individuals gradually unravel the layers of emotional detachment and work on integrating healthy emotional reintegration into their lives.
In conclusion, it is often perceived that those who attended boarding school are fortunate, surrounded by material wealth with endless opportunities, so the lack of emotional care is not considered. As therapists, we understand the impact of insufficient emotional support in childhood and its effects later in life. I certainly give it significant consideration and I know that:
All that glitters isn't always gold..............
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